Five months had gone by since my "Clear Blue Easy" announced he was coming. I'd told Cannon all about his new baby brother and how much fun they were going to have playing ball together. Everything was going to be perfect - I can even reuse Cannon's old clothes - that will save us money, I assured myself. Completely content with the picture I had painted of my future family, I was quick to quiet anyone who even suggested that the baby would be anything other than the little Cannon carbon copy I had ordered. I was absolutely, 100% positive it was another boy, so much so that I had a name and was already dropping it.
Finally, after so many long months of anticipation and expectation, I was being jellied up for my sonogram. Jason was sitting by my side with Cannon on his lap. My heart started picking up the pace as the sonographer began making circles on my belly with his Doppler. I couldn't wait to see how my little guy was doing. Then there he was on the screen - heart beating, legs kicking, arms flailing. "There he is, Cannon, do you see him?" Jason asked. Cannon just sat there with a confused expression trying to decipher what it was he was supposed to see. "Look, there's his hand." I said hoping he would recognize it. "Why do you keep saying 'he'?" the sonographer asked, "Have we already done this?" "No, I just know that's what I it is." I responded confidently. "Well, it's not." He replied.
WHAT?!? You've got to be kidding me! - the words didn't actually come out of my mouth, but I was screaming them on the inside. I was numb...shocked...confused...angry. I felt like I had lost the baby I had already gotten to know. As the nurse pointed out the parts for me, I squeezed the sides of my seat trying to hold back the tears. "I guess you're going to have a little sister." Jason said to Cannon cautiously, knowing the revelation had hit me hard.
The car ride home was a quiet one. My mind was racing with questions, some to God, some to myself. I cried a lot over the next few days. I didn't know what to do with the news I had been given. For Heaven's sake, get over yourself. You still have a healthy baby who needs you to want her. So just snap out of it! I wasn't easy on myself, but I wasn't ready to let go of this other baby I had already loved either.
The day was rainy, just like it had been for months before it seemed. Jason put my bags in the car and made sure we had the cameras, pillows and carseat. I still hadn't been convinced completely that this baby was a girl - I wouldn't be until the moment it was born. When my doctor met me on the operating table she asked "So, do you still think it might be a boy?" "I don't know, we'll see in a few minutes." I replied with a strained smile.
I took a deep breath and prayed. God, I just want what you want for me. You know better than I do what I need so I give my hopes and dreams over to you. With that I found a joyous peace come over me (and no it wasn't the drugs). Jason stroked my hair from where he sat directly behind me. "You're doing so great." He would whisper in my ear.
Then I heard it - the most beautiful, melodic, dainty cry I had ever heard. "Oh, yeah, it's definitely a girl!" the doctor announced excitedly. I looked over and saw her - my precious baby girl. Elation poured over me from the top of my head all the way down to my numb toes. The nurse wrapped her up and brought her over to me. She was perfect, beautiful...mine. I named her Kylie. Kylie Reign...for the rain that fell on the day of her birth and the rule she had over my heart. I couldn't have dreamed up a more amazing child in all my life.
God certainly knew what He was it doing when He sent Kylie my way. It seems like she has been smiling since the day she was born. I know I have. It's funny how sometimes we think we know what we need and when we don't get it our world is turned upside down, but then God comes along and says, "I do know what you need and in spite of you, I'm going to give it to you. " And so the little Nike tennis shoes still sit in the closet, to remind me. Thank you, God, for Kylie, thank you.
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord..." Jer. 29:11
1 comment:
What a precious story. I love reading what you write.
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