I didn't know how I became unrecognizable when I looked in the mirror. I almost feel a little dramatic stating it that way, but if I'm going to be real, that's really where I was. I felt like a phony...a fraud. Like I had it all together on the outside but was falling apart at the seams on the inside and no one knew. Not even my own husband knew what was really happening in my heart.
There was a constant heaviness. I felt cold and indifferent. I had lost my joy and to the heart of a worshipper, that alone was devastating. I was being tempted in ways completely foreign to my nature and that scared me to the core. It wasn't over night, it was a very slow chipping away that left me open to attack on all sides. I was close to giving up my marriage and worst of all, totally turning away in total defeat from my faith. If this is where years of working for God leaves you, then I'm out.
I've since learned that in certain situations, the enemy will use the best in you against you. I now see where this happened time and time again. It's a painful feeling to know that in the wrong hands, your own loyalty, trust, service, mercy and love can be used to destroy you. But that's what happened and that's where it left me. Totally bound up by the evil one and completely unaware that I was bound.
What is wrong with you? You are not only a Christian but a leader in the church! You're an example! I was supposed to be full of the hope and joy of Jesus but there was none and I couldn't fake a smile anymore. I was as a total failure, a royal train wreck. Then it came...
Reluctantly, and late - as usual, we entered the classroom at Gateway Church in Frisco. We knew it all, had read the whole Bible cover to cover, had heard teaching after teaching, years and years of church under our belts. I mean what could we possibly hear that we didn't already know? Our teach that day, Bob Hamp, starting telling a tale - a parable, as he called it - about a man who lost his identity through the circumstances of an ordinary life. As he shared the parable in his captivating way, I began to see myself.
I saw how life had convinced me that I was someone I was not. How my eyes had been blinded by bad doctrine and good intentions. How my wings had been clipped by the knowledge of good and evil. How my hands had been shackled by the spirit of religion. But most of all, I saw how Jesus didn't come to change my behavior but to make Himself my source of life (Acts 17:28). I saw how Jesus didn't come to convince me of how sinful I was, but to convict me of righteousness (2 Cor 5:21). I saw how Jesus came not to make me His slave but to free me to be a daughter of God (John 15:15). I saw for the first time. I saw.
By the end of those 5 classes I had a whole new understanding of who I was, who God is, who I am to God. Everything changed. Everything. Gone was the burden of religious expectations for I no longer had to "do" anything to "be" right with God. I didn't have to earn anything because I've been given everything. I finally realized that working for God was a lie and that only by allowing His Spirit to work through me would His purpose be accomplished. For the first time in my 32 years of being a Believer, I was free!
Now fully restored, I'm eternally grateful for God's redeeming love. He turned this self-righteous pharisee into a gracious daughter who now fully understands how to truly set the captives free!
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Gal 5:1
If you would like experience Gateway's Freedom Ministry, you can watch the full 5 classes online here.
