Open Heart Surgery

I have an uncle who is a doctor. Growing up, I would visit him, my aunt and my 2 cousins nearly every summer in Florida. My uncle is a big teddybear but as a child, and even a teen, he intimidated me. I had a hard time engaging with him because I was afraid he would look at me and see that something was wrong. He is a doctor after all, isn’t that what they are trained to do? At least that’s how it is in my mind. I would always feel like he could look right through my skin and see there was an issue. It made me want to hide from him, even as a child I knew that was ridiculous, but I still avoided interaction. Crazy, huh? My poor uncle was completely oblivious to the level of anxiety his career choice created in me. I am pretty sure just being a general practitioner would have been bad enough but it’s not lost on me how God works - my uncle is a cardiologist, that’s right - a heart doctor. Do you see where God is going with this? Just pause this storyline for a minute because we will circle back in a moment.

A few weekends ago in the worship greenroom, my worship pastor asked us team members to share about our favorite times of worship. I was the last to speak so all my usual answers had already been said by others. I felt the Lord remind me of when I first received my call to lead worship. I had been singing with a secular band for a while and the lead singer wanted to become the manager having me become the lead singer. I was asking the Lord if this was something He had for me. I remember, my husband, Jason telling me for years that I was called to lead worship. I always denied him by saying worship was too emotional for me. I preferred to sing songs that meant nothing. But soon I heard the voice of the Lord clearly say, “I gave you a voice to use it for Me. You are called be a lead worshiper”, I was elated and terrified all at the same time. I realized what I had been saying to Jason all these years was - worship is too intimate for me because I am afraid of intimacy with God. I can’t hide that in worship. 

Intimacy, as I have heard it described, is “into-me-see”. I didn’t understand back then why I was so afraid to be seen by my cardiologist uncle, but I know exactly why now. I was experiencing a physical representation of a spiritual reality. I was afraid he would see that there was something wrong with me even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. It’s exactly what happened to Adam and Eve in the garden. They had complete, unadulterated intimacy with God in the garden. They were naked and unashamed. God knew them, inside and out, and they were great with it. Until - until they stopped believing God and started believing the lies of the enemy. They sinned and obtained the knowledge of good and evil. So for the first time they felt this little thing called “shame”. Shame caused them to hide from God because they were exposed. Their hearts were laid bare and there was now disease. But one of the most beautiful parts of this story, which I had never really seen before was when God, in the first and most symbolic blood sacrifice killed an animal and covered them. He covered their shame with a sacrifice. 

Christine Cane said, “The enemy will put shame on you in the very area God wants to use you.” It has taken me to this point in my life to recognize how all of this is connected. That is a long 43 years of shame and hiding. The still unredeemed part of my soul wants to believe the lies of the evil one that say I am not worthy of this call on my life. I am not good enough. There are still areas of my heart that are selfish and proud and ugly. I need to hide from intimacy with God because I don’t want the gig to be up. I don’t want Him to disqualify me because of my lack of perfection. He can’t know about my shame. I don’t want to get naked before Him. That makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t want Him to look at me and see that something is wrong. 

All lies! All of it! The enemy is putting shame on me in the very area God wants to use me!!! And he started grooming me for this when I was just a clueless little kid! What a jerk! Are you reading this and feeling connected to what I am describing? Are there areas of your life which have shame - thus fear of intimacy? That is probably the exact area God wants to partner with you to change the world! If you take away anything from this really long story of mine, it’s Intimacy in worship is the key to breakthrough. I promise it is. Just start with that! Just start with “getting naked” in worship and it will bring breakthrough in all other areas. It is wild to me to see how all of this works together. Our God is the very best heart doctor and worship is His remedy to shame and lack of intimacy. Let Him see into you because He loves what He created - You - restored to perfection by His son, Jesus. 

Help My Unbelief

It was triggered by one of those cutesy, Christianese sayings people post on Facebook with flowers, or a sunset, or a puppy in the background. It went something like - if God takes something away, He always gives us something better in return. Bull crap. I don’t know what made me so cynical, but I just felt so over it. For the past few years I have been in a perpetual wrestling match with God. I have struggled in an area of my life for quite awhile and have done everything I know to do to fix it. I am just. so. done. I have seen too much. I have heard too much. I know too much. The hard questions never come with answers or at least not answers that make it better. I’m tired of pretending like we have to be okay with that.

Can we just say it? Sometimes God doesn’t give us something better than He took away. Sometimes we suffer through a loss that leaves us feeling like every good thing we ever believed about Him was a lie. Sometime we see injustice that makes us doubt every amazing story about Him we have ever been told. Sometime we experience something we just can’t wrap our faith around with a clever saying or out of context scripture. Sometimes we just want to walk away from it all.

Problem is, I can’t. I can’t tell that friend who just gave birth to her stillborn child to just walk away. I can’t tell that teenager just rescued from a lifetime of being sex trafficked to just walk away. I can’t tell that man who’s wife just committed suicide and left him with three small children to walk away. I can’t tell that homeless child who ran from the foster care system to just walk away. I can’t. Why?

Because despite everything inside of me screaming no, I choose Him. I choose to trust Him. I will choose to believe that His promises are true. I will choose to surrender my expectations of what life should be like. I will - by an act of my will - choose Him over my lack of understanding. I will lift up my hands and worship Him. 

Sometimes all I know is that the Bible says to worship God, so I do. I feel like the father in Mark 9 who asks Jesus to heal his demon possessed son and Jesus turns and asks if he believes. He says, I believe! Help my unbelief. I am lifting my hands in worship and my heart is crying out, I believe but help my unbelief.  It’s all I have.

Then there are those certain songs - songs that will just break me down to a primal place where I am as raw and real as I can possibly be…

Well I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think your like

but I’ve heard a tender whisper of love in the dead of night

and you tell me that your pleased and that I’m never alone

You’re a good, good father - it’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are

and I’m loved by you - it’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

You are perfect in all of your ways, you are perfect in all of your ways to us

…and it’s like I take a nose-drive into the vastness of grace that is still keeping me breathing…

It’s love so explainable I can hardly speak 

and peace so unexplainable I can hardly think

as you call me deeper still as you call me deeper still into love - love - love

I sing this song often from the platform with a sincere smile on my face, but I sing it even more in the quite places of my heart with tears streaming down my cheeks. Sometimes all we need is to hear His tender whisper - to know that He is pleased, He is near, that He is good. Something happens when you declare to God that He is perfect in His ways - you surrender to His peace. You say, even when you feel otherwise, you trust Him and His plan. Despite your doubts, you choose Him. 

I don’t have a pretty bow to wrap up this post. Terrible things happen…unjust and unfair things. They shake every fiber of the stuff we are made of. But one thing I do know - God understands. He didn’t exempt Himself from those very things. He allowed Himself to feel the brutal pain of unjust and unfair things to a greater extent than we will probably ever have to feel ourselves. Just lift up your hands and worship Him. He is worthy.

Good Good Father by Housefires

The Trouble with Zombies

Ok, you. Stop right there. Why are you here? What is it about the title of this post that lured you in? Whatever your motivation, maybe by the end of it, you will be better for having read it. That is my motivation for writing. I figure this time of year would be as good a time as any to write on the subject, wouldn't you say? October is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it, except for one thing. Halloween. It seems people are obsessed with it. We weren't really allowed to "do" Halloween growing up and I can't say I feel like I missed out on much. But honestly, this post isn't about Halloween or even Zombies for that matter. It's about the spiritual war we are surrounded by everyday which we either ignore or don't realize even exists. This post is about to inform you about how real it actually is. 

So, back to you. If you struggle, at all, with fear. I want you to know you are in good company. I used to be a bit of a poster child in that area myself. With that said, I don't want this post to be a stumbling block, so you may want to hit the back button right now and avoid this post until you feel you have overcome in that area. Fear isn't the point of this post either, it is freedom from it. "You will know the truth and the truth will make you free". Especially from fear. I wouldn't put it past our relentless yet defeated enemy to use this against you, so if you do decide to proceed, you have been warned. 

The Bible is a spiritual book written by A Spiritual Being to spiritual beings. That would be you and me. We contain a spirit and a soul within a physical body. Our spirits do not sleep. Our spirits can be affected by things our bodies can not see, hear, touch, feel or taste. Have you ever walked into a room and something just didn't feel right? That would be your spirit at work and if your spirit is controlled by the Holy Spirit, you will probably feel more and be able to discern a lot more than someone who's spirit is unregenerate. We were created this way by God for a reason. He wants us to understand the reality of the worlds around us. Yes, I said worlds. We see and understand the physical world we live in as planet Earth which is set within an infinite universe. But the world we don't see is in almost total control here on Earth - other than our free will, total control. Our spirits are part of this spirit world or realm. This is where the real action takes place. This world or realm consists of spiritual beings all created by God that are either for Him or against Him. They are also either for you or against you. Essentially they are at war for your soul - being your mind, will and emotions. These 3 elements together are basically where life happens. If God controls your mind, will and emotions, your spirit will reflect that. If the enemy controls your mind, will and emotions, your spirit will reflect that also. 

The enemy can not create, he can only counterfeit, distort, mutate and pervert. Unfortunately, though, he is pretty good at it. He often causes even "the elite" to fall for his lies. This is where knowing the truth sets you free. For every good thing God has created, satan has a counterfeit and usually with more bells and whistles. The scriptures illustrate this in Exodus 7: "The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, 'When Pharaoh says to you, ‘Perform a miracle,’ then say to Aaron, ‘Take your staff and throw it down before Pharaoh,’ and it will become a snake. So Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and did just as the Lord commanded. Aaron threw his staff down in front of Pharaoh and his officials, and it became a snake. Pharaoh then summoned wise men and sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians also did the same things by their secret arts: Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron’s staff swallowed up their staffs." That last part is the best, isn't it?! "But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs." This passage proves two things: 1. The enemy and his forces have the power to do supernatural things experienced in the natural. 2. God's power overcomes it. Always. 

Eph 6:12 "For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens." Therefore we must always be aware of these spiritual forces of evil and their schemes. Satan's targets are not the lost; they already belong to him. His favorite victims are the Saints. He will find any crack, any loophole, any unguarded area to slip in and wreak havoc in our lives. That is why we have to discern the influences we are open to and take a really hard look at what we allow in our lives. 

This became all too real when I was a teenager. My family was under the influence of a man who called himself a "prophet" of the Lord. I started to notice that some of the things he was saying did not line up with the Word. Something in my spirit said this is not right, but I ignored it. After all, I wasn't the adult here. So I just went with it. The relationship was getting way out of hand as was his influence. He even came over and "blessed" our house. It's not surprising then that really strange, unexplainable things started happening around our house to reinforce the lies he was telling us. It all came to a head one night when my mom and I went for a walk after dark. When we were walking down the driveway of our house, we simultaneously heard my dad in a tormented voice call out to my mom from a cat. Um, yeah. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night. My point is, this stuff is real. We were very much believers; deceived, but believers none-the-less. Remember, we didn't even do Halloween. 2 Corinthians 11 speaks of this sort of thing: "And I will keep on doing what I am doing in order to cut the ground from under those who want an opportunity to be considered equal with us in the things they boast about. For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve."

This is the height of deception. Making evil look Godly, but sometimes the evil is right in our face and we still deny it or in some cases, totally embrace it. In my humble opinion, this is worse. Here's where the title of this post comes into play. A dear friend of mine was doing research last year for a blog post about how Christians should handle Halloween. She sent me an article written by a pastor about the zombie problem in Haiti. Um...thank you? It kinda freaked me out...just a little bit. And here I was telling my kids that zombies aren't real. Silly me. So basically what happened is after the earthquake in Haiti dead bodies under demonic possession would walk the streets due to the heavy influence of witchcraft and voodoo in that region. These events were retold by the eye witnesses who happened to be two seminary professors with doctorates from very conservative cessationistic American schools. How enlightening that experience must have been for them. Kinda sounds like what the Holy Spirit does when it fills us but instead of being physically dead we become truly alive. Hum. I wonder if these professors would still confess to such rubbish? This is a second-hand story. Not a very reliable source. Let's just call this one a fable.

So then my own sister tells me about some friends from her church in Owasso who went on a mission trip to Panama. She shared that Panama is also a hotbed for sorcery, voodoo and witchcraft. That things happen there you just don't see around the good 'ol US of A. Her friend commented that the spiritual warfare there is palpable and that the animals, in this case cats, were often possessed. (Just love cats, don't you?) She said each night bunches of cats would climb onto the roof of the place they were staying and would scratch and claw at the roof all night. One night she looked out to see a black cat jump off the roof and turn into a bird and fly away. Come again? Then another friend told of going up a mountain to minister in an area known as a witches commune. As they made their way up, their pastor stopped abruptly and said, "we must pray". Just then a large owl swooped down from a nearby tree, turned into a human and walked away. Um, I don't like that Raymond. She basically told my sis that if anyone would have tried to tell her that sort of story, she would have thought they were coo coo for cocoa puffs. She wasn't sure why she saw it, but she did with her own eyes. Hello...emphasis on the "hell".

"But they use their witchcraft and sorcery for good against the evil witches and sorcerers so it's not bad". I have heard that so many times I could throw up. Apparently, satan only drives out satan to get you to like Harry Potter. Cough, cough.  Wiccans constantly defend themselves as being good and doing good things for people and animals. So what happens when someone makes one mad? I'm sure they bless them all the way to Figi. Yeah, no. Witches and wizards are controlled by what the old testament calls "familiar spirits" aka demons. God declared that if you consulted one, both you and your wizard friend were to be stoned to death. Nothing demonically powered is good, but it sure can pretend to be to suck you in. There is a draw and a lure and a fascination with this stuff. Can you feel it? Maybe you felt it when you read the post title? There is actual power in these "secret arts" and people like power. Problem is, it's all false, it will completely control and destroy your life. (Cue Katy Perry's Dark Horse) Power for a moment until you are in mindless submission to its deception then you become its prisoner with no power at all. It all looks good, sounds good, feels good, tastes good until it's got you trapped in its grip. Isaiah 5:20 "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!"

So what now? For some of my denominationalized friends, you may have determined I am indeed coo coo for cocoa puffs myself a few paragraphs back. Ok, fine, I enjoy a bowl of cocoa puffs or two or three, but I honestly don't care if you think that. I love you, but I don't care, because I'm not. Like my sister's friend, I don't know why I experienced what I did. But unlike her, I know what happened to get me to that point. We allowed something into our house and lives that seemed good in the natural but was exactly the opposite. I have lived just a little bit of this stuff and came out so much wiser on the other side with an awareness and lack of fear that I want to share with others. Why? Because I think a day is soon coming where these things will become common in the US. Evil will become even more fascinating and deceptive and a clear line will be drawn by those with the spiritual eyes to see. We know that "the false prophet"in Revelation will do many deceptive miracles and as satan's time runs out, he will not hold anything back in a last ditch attempt to take us out. 

So to those who would delete me from their friends list, may I ask to which spirit will you attribute this information? The Holy Spirit or Beelzebub? 1 Cor 2:14 says "The natural man can not see the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; neither can he know them because they are spiritually discerned." The spirit realm is real, but if you buy into the lie that it doesn't operate this way, you have fallen prey to a trap that will keep you defeated in many areas of your life. I liken it to having cancer and denying it's there. It will spread until it kills you and you will have done nothing to fight it. 1 Peter 5 says "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever." The Bible doesn't warn believers of these things so we can go tell the lost to be on their guard. We are the prey.

So, here's the exciting part.  Like the story in Exodus, we are actually the ones with the power. 1 John 4:1-6 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world. You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.  They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood." The One who lives in us, the Holy Spirit, is far greater than any force of evil and the gifts of the Spirit are legit. True prophecy, miracles, healing of God etc. are all at work today and changing lives as I type! On a side note, you might wonder what my beliefs are about the prophetic gift and prophecy since it would seem I would steer clear of that after what we went through. The truth is exactly the opposite. If satan tried so hard to distort and pervert my experience with something that God actually tells us to earnestly pursue - the prophetic (1 Cor 14:39), then there must be a huge reason. Turns out prophecy is one of my top spiritual gifts and I am now a member of our women's prophetic team at church. I recognized the attach for what it was and ran to the Lord for clarity instead of allowing that experience to make me fear the very thing God wanted to use me for. This is what the enemy does. He tries to thwart God's plans with fear.

So we have nothing to fear. The enemy is defeated and the only ammo he is to try to make us believe he's not. Understanding his deceptive tactics is key to being better armed against his attacks. But we have to be aware. We have to believe in the supernatural and understand how it works. We have a huge role in influencing it through our prayers, our worship and how we live out our lives. So, never fear the zombies, cat-birds, owl-humans or anything else the enemy tries to scare and intimidate you with. But for Heaven's sake, don't invite them happily into your house. They might just take over. 

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 
2 Timothy 1:7

For more teachings on freedom in this area, click below then go to browse by series names and click on "Free Indeed"

So Be Good for Goodness Sake

The "bad" kids had the stereotypical purple hair, mohawks, skull paraphernalia and skateboards. Of course, skateboards.  The "good" boy wanted to be like them and some how we ended up at Noah's ark. At the end of the movie, the "good" boy sees the bad influence those kids might be and walks away as if to say,  I'm better than them. Trust me, I'm all for wholesome Christian kids entertainment, but I have a serious problem with what we might be teaching them.

I asked my 8 year old son, Cannon, to come chat for a minute after viewing the show. I asked him casually, "So, do you think Jesus loves those bad kids?" "No!" he quickly answered as if disgusted by the very thought. "Does he love you?" I probed. "Yes." he replied. "Why?" I continued, "Does he love you because you are good?" "Yes." he said, a bit more sheepishly. And with that my suspicions confirmed and my work cut out for me.

There was never any mention of how God felt about those kids. Never any mention of how the "good" kid might influence their lives through the love of Jesus. Never any mention of being a light in the darkness. Just the same old, same old, Christian mantra, stay away from the bad, lest you become like them. Sure, I get all the age appropriateness and the nuances of teaching younger kids right from wrong, but we are raising them from a very early age to have an "us and them" mentality that when they are old, they will not depart from. 

I remember overhearing a conversation earlier this year between an older, male, Christian, blood relative (who shall remain anonymous) and my Christian nephew. My son also happened to be taking in this conversation. It went something like this: "So, you go to public school huh?" "Yeah." responds my nephew. "So how do you deal with the bad kids? You don't ever associate with those kinds of kids do you?" "I mostly keep to myself." said Nephew. "Good for you." Blood dude replied. At this point, I couldn't help but interject..."Unless you want to tell them about Jesus, huh?"A bit of nervous laughter ends the conversation. Obviously, in this person's mind, they were suggesting what was good and righteous, and I could not believe what I was hearing! What about the example of Jesus? What about those kid's souls? Again, what about being a light that cannot be hidden? You can't be a light that cannot be hidden while hiding!!!

This post is about to piggyback off my previous post "Beware of God", so this could be considered the continuation of. If you haven't read that, please go read it and come back, otherwise you will be lost. That said, at this point, we will take a bit of a detour on this current train of thought, but we will be back on the main track by the end. So hunker down, buckle up and stay with me.

The problem with the "knowledge of good and evil" that we picked up at the fall, is that we become the keepers of the standard of said good and evil. We define these in our minds based on our understanding of what is good or evil based on tradition, laws, common sense, customs, conscience and even the Bible. The problem with this is that we become our own moral compass and therefore perpetuate our hopelessly flawed ideology and often self-righteously inflict it on others. Christians are not the only ones with this mixed up notion. Even Santa Clause shuns the naughty ones. So this idea of good and evil changes from person to person based on their perspective. When Jesus died to redeem us to relationship with our creator, God, He provided a way of understanding His heart and mind and to have full revelation of what is truly good through the person of the Holy Spirit.

Funny thing - I know a lot of non-believers who are morally, not just good, but better than most Christians. They out give, out love, out serve, out sacrifice and out compassion some of the best of us Saints. So this actually proves my point. Good is not always good. In fact, Satan can use our idea of good for evil. He use our personal concept of good to deceive us, bind us and even use us to carry out his evil plans. (i.e. Oprah, Westboro) I actually believe he will use this very thing to deceive people into worshipping the anti-christ during the tribulation, but that is another post altogether. 

Need proof? Let me give you a few Biblical examples: Peter when Jesus told him about death, "took him aside and began to rebuke him. 'Never, Lord!' he said. 'This shall never happen to you!' Jesus turned and said to Peter, 'Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns." Totally legit that Peter would think it was good and right to say such a thing to Jesus, no? And when Mary poured out the costly oil on Jesus' feet in worship, Judas said it should have been sold and the money given to the poor. Seems good and righteous enough, but it was evil because he did not have in mind the concerns of God but merely human concerns. 

Still a stretch, you might say? Well, let me just say that there is a way that seems right to a man but it leads to death (Prov 14:12, 16:25). I know because for 35 years I lived to be "good" and it brought me nothing but death. At the end of those years, I could only describe myself as dead. I did everything on the list the "gatekeepers of good" laid out for me. I followed all the rules and suffered and sacrificed and gave and obeyed and obeyed and obeyed...and died. My color palette was black and white...no gray...God forbid, red, blue or yellow. I was being good for Jesus, for goodness sake. But it was all dead works (Heb. 9:14) motived by self (knowledge) not good works (Mat 5:16) which are motived by the Holy Spirit (revelation).

So while our source of good is self (the tree of the knowledge of good and evil) we are actually spreading death but when God becomes our source of good (the tree of life) we begin spreading life. Thus, as you may have gathered, the things we think and feel are good, moral and righteous may not be so much. Only God is good and anything that comes from Him is good. So to raise our children based on this fallen way of thinking about good and evil is, well, not good. It's really motived by fear. Fear that they may actually make a mistake if they get to close to "those" kids. God forbid our kids make a mistake...they might actually need a Savior. Yep, I said it. 

So the moral of this story, kids, is good does not equal Godly. Because of grace, we cannot care more about being "good" than we care about being like Jesus. And those "bad" kids? Jesus loves them because He made them and is wanting us to tell them so. They may only be "bad" because they don't know they are loved and important and valuable. Cannon now knows. He knows now that Jesus doesn't love him because he's good but because he belongs to Him. God loves His kids and wants a relationship with all of them...red, yellow, black, white, purple hair, mohawks and all. Now maybe Cannon will get to share that with the "bad' kids someday.

So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. Gal. 5:16-18

Beware of God

One by one, as each 1 minute testimony unfolded, a common thread was weaving its way into a telltale tapestry of a broken church. I got saved as a child, grew up in church and in a very strict religious home and because of the legalism, I eventually hated God. Then when I got older, found out He actually did really love me and it changed my life. As I sat in that circle with other ladies Bible study leaders I was reminded of someone very close to me that recently came to Christ after loosing everything. They also had the same testimony. Unfortunately for them, it cost their marriage, their job and nearly their life to understand the truth of who God is and how He really feels about them. The God that had been presented to them their whole life was a lie. They also confided in me that when trying to reach out with the love of God to hurting friends, find it hard to break through because people say, why would I want God in my life when He hates me? When asked where they got this idea, they usually respond with, that is what everyone who says they know God or about God has ever said to me. 

What the what? God hates them?! Oh sure, maybe no one ever actually said those words, but point still taken. It seems to me we have a problem here. Seems a bunch of churchy people are out there with "expert" opinions on why the church is dwindling away. While there is a lot of clamor and commotion inside the church about what so and so is doing, what worship style their congregation is using, what this mega-church is hyping, what that micro-church is promoting, what this denomination is believing, people are blind to satan slithering through it all like the snake that he is. Bottom line is he has us bound and we are binding others right along with us. Blasphemy! Christians cannot be bound! I'm not even going to bother going through all the scriptures that say this is indeed possible and very real. I don't have time. Listen here, it will lay it all out. Back to my point. So what are we bound by? Sin. No news there. Well, here's a news flash, it's not necessarily that sin has us bound, it's the knowledge of it that has us bound... "the knowledge of good and evil" to be exact. It's a result of the fall the church, as a whole, has never rejected mainly because we don't even realize there is a problem. But it is a big problem that is leaving death in it's wake. (Gen 3:22-24)

Let me ask you a question...what is more important? Showing someone their sinfulness or showing them the grace that covers that sin? Sure, hit them with grace first, then when they love Jesus enough, hit them with their sin, right? No really, we can't have people in church who cuss like sailors, or smoke like chimneys or drink like fish! What would people think, what would God think? We have to be righteous, we have to be holy! God demands holiness! Right? We have taken the name of God and applied it to sin like a bandaid. We say, stop sinning or God will turn His back on you or bad stuff will happen to you or you will go to hell instead of Jesus died to save you from those sins and the way He loves you will help you stop doing those things in His perfect time. Oh and hey, I happen to love you too and if you need help with that in the meantime, I'm here for you. Can we trust God to handle the sin problem or do we need to make a citizen's arrest? While we are busy playing law enforcement, we are steadily creating lost generations of great Pharisees (Matt 23:15) or hopeless rebels. While we are preoccupied with blaming this church or that denomination for why young people are leaving the church in record numbers, they really are walking out wounded and bleeding. We are our own worst enemy and satan is loving it.

Yes, we are bound by sin. The preoccupation with it that is. By the way, sinners are not God's worst enemy. The power of sin was canceled on the cross. Jesus either paid for all of our sins or He didn't. The Bible says He did.  God either sent His Son to die for us because He loved us or He didn't. The Bible says He did. Either God loves us even in our mess or we will have to perform for His love. Maybe if we actually looked more like Jesus (the tree of life) than we look like Pharisees (that other tree) people would come running back to the church. Maybe if we stopped telling people how they need to behave as Christians and started telling them about how precious they are to the One who died to save them, they would want to get to know Him a bit better and maybe, just maybe they wouldn't have to try to fill that void by sinning. Hum...maybe.

Resource for further understanding of the two trees: The Problem Jesus Came to Solve

Sex Ed: A Conversation with my Young Kids

It occurred to me tonight that my oldest son is about to enter 2nd grade. I remember being in 2nd grade. Mrs. Butler was my teacher at Patrick Henry Elementary School in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I remember having a love/hate relationship with the opposite sex. Boys were mean...but some were cute. I don't remember anything I learned from Mrs. Butler that year but I did learn most of the major cuss words from my classmates. Nice. I'm so glad they didn't educate me on the subject of sex until 3rd grade. Yikes. 3rd grade. 

My 5 year old daughter Kylie came home saying the word "sexy" earlier this year and I sorta freaked a little on the inside. Really? All ready? When I asked her what it meant, she really didn't know. So I told her that was not really a word children should use, and I told her to say "sassy" instead. Phew, potential public humiliation in the check-out line at Kroger temporarily avoided. 

Honestly, I don't really buy into the idea that the world our kids are going up in is so much worse than the one we grew up in. Sure it's a lot easier to see and hear about the bad, but the Bible says that "there is nothing new under the sun." So that is my truth. Sex has been misused and abused since the fall and will be until Christ's return. The intention for which God created sex has not changed and won't until that same moment. 

We didn't talk about the subject in our house growing up and it seemed like there were only two schools of thought: "Sex is dirty and bad" from the Church and then the rest of the world. So, that being said, I can't sit here and pretend to be any sort of expert, in fact, I didn't fully understand sex as it was intended by it's Creator until about 2 years ago when my much beloved church posted a class on the subject. It rocked my sexy world! As a result, I believe if we, as Christian parents, would get over our completely distorted view of sex, we could start the next sexual revolution through our kids and it would be the opposite of the first. They need to know the truth about sex and their parents need to be the first to bring it up! So there begins the line of thinking that has birthed the imaginary conversation below. Soon we will probably have to have this conversation for real but hopefully my kids will be better off than I was for the education. Mind you, this is a layered, on-going conversation, so this is just the early elementary introduction phase. Here's a practice run:

Sex is a wonderful thing that God created for married people. He made it so that a husband and wife can show each other how much they love one another with their bodies and also have lots of fun together. You know how we are always telling you to protect your body and how no one is supposed to touch your private places? Well it's because your body is a gift from God to you that you will someday give as a wedding gift to the person you marry. We also need to make sure that we don't allow anyone to have that gift before we have committed our lives to loving and serving them. It's one of the greatest gifts you will ever give and it is a beautiful way to serve the person you love most. God is honored when sex is part of your life as a married person and pleased when we respect our bodies and respect the bodies of others. He made you perfectly suited for that special person we choose to marry and that person is perfectly made for you! The world does not understand that God created sex and that He wants us to enjoy it the way He created us to. In fact, sex is so wonderful that it is how God chose for us to be created in our mommy's tummy. The world will lie to you by telling you that you can be disrespectful to your body and to others. But God always gives us the best plan because He is the one who made us and He already knows the person you will marry. He already sees them and has a plan for you to meet someday. So when the world tells you to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, with whoever you want, remember, that the wedding gift you are holding right now belongs to one special person and never let anyone try to take it from you before it's time. It's too valuable and expensive to just throw away. So what questions do you have about?  (This is when they hit us with the hard stuff, and I look over at Jason and say... take it from here, I'm out.) Until then...

Beautiful Scars

Every women dreads the mirrors and lighting in a dressing room...well maybe not if you are a fitness model. No, actually, I'm pretty sure they even find flaws they don't like under those conditions. But there I stood, taking in my reflection - buck naked, and what I saw made me want to cry.

I need to be completely transparent here... my physical appearance was always very important to me. I think it had a lot to do with insecurities I pick-up in elementary school. There were times when I was told something about me was ugly. This only furthered my already excruciating timidity, causing me to feel nearly invisible on the playground. I thought I wasn't special enough to get the kind of attention other girls in my class got. We girls all wanted to be their BFFs and all the guys wanted to be their boyfriends.

Fast forward a few years past braces and satellite bangs and I discovered just how significant being physically attractive can make you feel. Suddenly I became that one of "those" girls and it felt amazing. When I would go out, I could even get stuff for free if a guy was working the register. It made me feel valuable, powerful and the kind of "special" I had always hoped to be. Needless to say, this lead to hyper self-focus and actually multiplied my deepest insecurities. It became all about me.

Super fast forward once again to the dressing room. I was now a mom of 4. This was no longer the girl who could turn heads at the beach staring back at me. Gone were toned, tight abs now. No more picture-perky hiney.  I glanced down to the skin on my stomach which looked like the folds of an accordion...and that was only if I was sucking in...hard. The cha-cha's? Now "socks and rocks". The stretch marks, the cellulite, the c-section scar. They were all scars. I wasn't what I used to be and never would be again. Why Lord, why?" I whined in my self pity. For someone who found so much of their value in how they look, this moment was about to be devastating. Until, He spoke these words into my heart...

"You see, your body bares the scars of giving life...
and so does mine." 

Whoa...Wait a minute. What? Did He just say that?

I never looked at it that way. Now I have no excuse! I can no longer whine or complain. I can not look in the mirror with dread and disgust. I can only see these scars as beautiful reminders! If there was ever anything in life worth the price of these scars, it was my own precious children's lives. I would die for these little people just like He did for me! These scars represent death to self and life to others! Reminders that Jesus loved us so much that He was willing to die for us, and He bares the scars to prove it!  Could there ever be anything more beautiful? 

"Her children arise and call her blessed; 
her husband also, and he praises her: 
'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' 
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; 
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Prov. 31:30

Finding Freedom

It's been 4 years since my last post. That's a long time in blog years but a lot longer still in Teresa years. Those years were, hands down, the hardest of my life. I had lost my desire to write, to create, to even think really. Honestly it was the least of my concerns because I almost lost it all. Not in a physical sense, but in one far more important...

I didn't know how I became unrecognizable when I looked in the mirror. I almost feel a little dramatic stating it that way, but if I'm going to be real, that's really where I was. I felt like a phony...a fraud. Like I had it all together on the outside but was falling apart at the seams on the inside and no one knew. Not even my own husband knew what was really happening in my heart.

There was a constant heaviness. I felt cold and indifferent. I had lost my joy and to the heart of a worshipper, that alone was devastating. I was being tempted in ways completely foreign to my nature and that scared me to the core. It wasn't over night, it was a very slow chipping away that left me open to attack on all sides. I was close to giving up my marriage and worst of all, totally turning away in total defeat from my faith. If this is where years of working for God leaves you, then I'm out. 

I've since learned that in certain situations, the enemy will use the best in you against you. I now see where this happened time and time again. It's a painful feeling to know that in the wrong hands, your own loyalty, trust, service, mercy and love can be used to destroy you. But that's what happened and that's where it left me. Totally bound up by the evil one and completely unaware that I was bound.

What is wrong with you? You are not only a Christian but a leader in the church! You're an example! I was supposed to be full of the hope and joy of Jesus but there was none and I couldn't fake a smile anymore. I was as a total failure, a royal train wreck. Then it came...

Reluctantly, and late - as usual, we entered the classroom at Gateway Church in Frisco. We knew it all, had read the whole Bible cover to cover, had heard teaching after teaching, years and years of church under our belts. I mean what could we possibly hear that we didn't already know? Our teach that day, Bob Hamp, starting telling a tale - a parable, as he called it - about a man who lost his identity through the circumstances of an ordinary life. As he shared the parable in his captivating way, I began to see myself.

I saw how life had convinced me that I was someone I was not. How my eyes had been blinded by bad doctrine and good intentions. How my wings had been clipped by the knowledge of good and evil. How my hands had been shackled by the spirit of religion. But most of all, I saw how Jesus didn't come to change my behavior but to make Himself my source of life (Acts 17:28). I saw how Jesus didn't come to convince me of how sinful I was, but to convict me of righteousness (2 Cor 5:21).  I saw how Jesus came not to make me His slave but to free me to be a daughter of God (John 15:15). I saw for the first time. I saw.

By the end of those 5 classes I had a whole new understanding of who I was, who God is, who I am to God. Everything changed. Everything. Gone was the burden of religious expectations for I no longer had to "do" anything to "be" right with God. I didn't have to earn anything because I've been given everything. I finally realized that working for God was a lie and that only by allowing His Spirit to work through me would His purpose be accomplished. For the first time in my 32 years of being a Believer, I was free!

Now fully restored, I'm eternally grateful for God's redeeming love. He turned this self-righteous pharisee into a gracious daughter who now fully understands how to truly set the captives free!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Gal 5:1

If you would like experience Gateway's Freedom Ministry, you can watch the full 5 classes online here.

The Kid in Me

It's 12:35am. I fall into my bed with bones so weary and muscles so sore I could swear I must have been hit by a Mac truck. No, it was just another day filled with the pleasure and pain of parenthood. I never got around to putting the clothes in the dryer or picking up the ones still lying on my bathroom floor from a weeks worth of baths and showers. Some things just have to take a back seat to diaper changes, tummy time and seemingly endless one sided conversation on the Thomas the Train telephone. Blaze is finally asleep in his bassinet beside me. Arrow is probably zonked out in his toddler bed with his sippy cup still clenched tightly in his hand and his ball cap still on his head backwards. As I lie here, trying to clear my mind of the day's clutter, I'm my thoughts drift back to the beginning of it all.

Is that a line? Does that mean positive? I ask myself as I read and re-read the instructions on the pregnancy test again. The realization that my life, as I knew it, would never be the same again sent waves of adrenaline and nausea rushing through me. I really didn't know what to do, say or think. I just stood there staring at the stick. It was quite a surprise and one I wasn't ready for.

Everyone was thrilled when we finally shared the news about a month later on Christmas eve. A few weeks later, my sister-in-law gave me a book that was written by a Christian singer. She wrote it during her first pregnancy. It was a cute little book filled with songs, stories and letters to her future little one. The lyrics to one song gave voice to the unspoken feelings I was struggling with. It started with the lines: "I'm not the least bit ready for you, but come, come anyway - I’m not the least bit worthy of you, but come, come anyway ". As I read the words, tears started streaming down my face. I looked over at the sonogram photo on the dresser and repeated the words to the little one growing inside me. I was excited about the baby but was honestly scared to death.

I had never been much of a "kid person". It didn't really matter to me whether I had them or not. I remember telling my sister that I felt like I was on a roller coaster that was moving slowly up the first steep hill about to reach the top where I would drop of the cliff, never to get off the ride again. Life was about to change forever. Little did I know just how all encompassing that change would be, even less did I know how much I would change - for the better.

Motherhood has given me the courage and confidence to sing with more passion, work with more motivation, play with more abandonment, feel with more depth, love with more intensity, live with more purpose. I never fully understood life until I gave birth to it. I never fully understood love until I held it in my arms and saw, not only my reflection, but that of God. The way a mother feels about her children is not describable with words, no matter how you mix the 36 letters together. It pushes you to the end of yourself and self-sufficiency. Reliance on God is the only way to survive because it literally hurts to love someone so much.

So, almost three weeks after I started this post, I'm ending it. As it goes - life happened and it ends as it started...it's late, my back is aching, the laundry is waiting and my eyes are closing...but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Link: Lyrics to "Come Anyway"

The 911 Call

It seemed like any ordinary day. My sister Jenny, who had just moved to Dallas from New York City and I had stayed the night at my sister-in-laws house. She and her husband were on vacation in Ireland and she wanted someone to stay with their dog. We got up around 8:30am, got dressed and decided to stop in at K-mart on the way home. The store seemed strangely quiet. No one was talking. Not even the cashiers. We, on the other hand, completely oblivious to what was happening, were talkative and cheerful. K-mart isn't exactly known for atmosphere, so we didn't really think much of it. As we were getting into the car to leave I got a call on my cell phone from Jason. "Hello?" "Hey", he replied somberly "Have you heard?" "Heard what?" I replied. "The World Trade Center is gone." "WHAT?!? What do you mean gone?" I said in confusion. "Gone, completely destroyed." he responded. "I'll be home in a minute." I hung up the phone and relayed the message to Jenny in disbelief. A sense of panic started to come over me. What is going on?

When Jenny graduated from college in May of 2000, she decided to move to New York City for a year to pursue her life long passion of Fashion Design. She enrolled at Parson's School of Design and much to my parents dismay, moved off to the big city to follow her dream. She and my mom had been busy unpacking in the two bedroom apartment that Jenny and her 3 college friends had rented on 57th and 10th street. They were getting tired so she and Jen decided to call it a night. The noise of the streets that intersected at their building was like sleeping in the middle of the road. It took a while before they could fall asleep. Just as they had nodded off they were rattled by the sound of Arab music blaring through the room. It sent chills through them as they sat up in their beds. The sound was deeply disturbing to their spirits; it was as if the music was omitting an evil presence. At this the Lord spoke to my mom and told her to pray that there would not be a terrorist attack on New York City while Jenny was there. This seemed like a strange command, but from that moment on, she did just that.

Just before Jenny was to graduate from Parsons, mom and I went to visit for a week. On this particular trip we decided to have dinner at a club on the top floor of tower 2 of the World Trade Center. After the cab dropped us off we rode up the escalators to the elevator area. The trip up was so high that our ears were popping. The evening was spent watching people out on the dance floor while nibbling on our dinners. I'm terribly afraid of heights, but wanted to see just how high one of the tallest buildings in the world really was. I started to get weak in the knees as I cautiously walked over to the floor to ceiling windows that lined the room. I couldn't stand on the very edge. It was just too much for me. As the night came to a close we made our way back out to the elevator area to wait for our ride down. As I browsed the souvenir items they had available for purchase, I started to feel increasingly nervous. I had a very real sense that the building was going to collapse and that we needed to get out now. I pushed the feelings aside and tried to stay calm. How ridicules, I thought to myself.

Now, just a two months later, as we entered the house that morning, we found Jason on the phone with his family and the TV already on. I just sat down on the couch and couldn't believe what was unfolding before my eyes. It was all replay because everything had already happened. It was as if I was watching a horror movie...it was the most devastating thing I had ever witnessed. Watching two planes hit and explode on contact, seeing desperate people jumping from a building I couldn't even walk to the edge of, watching these national landmarks crumble to nothing, it was all more than I could bare. So many questions filled my head with fear and dread. What is this world coming to? What will happen now? What kind of world will my children live in? Do I even want to have children now? Is this the beginning of the end? The impact on my soul was deep.

I didn't sleep well at all that night. I just cried. I wanted to be in my own bed, I wanted to just watch HGTV and forget it all happened, but neither was possible. HGTV was off the air and I was back at my sister-in-laws for the night. I woke up the next morning with the same sense of dread as I realized it wasn't a bad dream. I think for at least a week I walked around like a zombie, not really sure what to do or think. I wanted so badly to know what God knew. To understand what it all meant and to have all the answers. But even He seemed silent in that moment.

Weeks passed, then months. Things were starting to feel familiar again. The flags were raised to full mass, planes were back in the sky and the nightly news actually covered other topics for a few minutes. Slowly the fear and dread were fading away. I saw glimmers of hope that life as I knew it may not be so far gone. One evening with some friends and family, we looked back on the day that was September 11th. It was the first time mom shared the story of the rude awakening she had that night in New York City. Everyone sat listening intently as she recalled the event. I just happened to ask if she remembered the date. "Humm...let's see, we got there on the 10th." she concluded. We all looked at each other in stunned amazement as all at once we discovered that the night she was awaken with the call to pray over the city was the 11th - September 11th, 2000.

"Be still and know that I am God." Ps 46:10

Sore Afraid

Fear - just the word can...well, incite fear. I'm naturally afraid of a lot of things. It's a huge flaw in my DNA, passed down from a long line of fearful people in my family. I'm afraid of heights, sharks, spiders, skyscrapers, tight spaces, public speaking...the list goes on. I've struggled with fear most of my life but it wasn't until I had Cannon that I realize how fear could consume me.

Just after I brought him home from the hospital, my mind became overwrought with disturbing thoughts of what could possibly happen to my child. It seemed like every time I would watch the news I'd hear about helpless little ones falling victim to every kind of cruelty. I couldn't pick up a magazine without coming across a headline that would send me into another downward spiral of helpless hopelessness. Cannon was born just before hurricane Katrina hit. The images of mother's holding their hungry babies, waiting for someone to rescue them didn't help at all. The fear that tormented me over my inability to protect my child was more than I could bare. It was literally painful, it made my heart ache. Satan had launched a full-fledged assault on my faith and he was winning.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom? I had read that portion of scripture several times, but never really grasped it's complex meaning. In the midst of my desperation the Lord reminded me of something that completely changed my perspective. It was the story of Abraham where God asked him to give up the one thing he probably loved most, his son. He was to sacrifice him on an altar in worship before Lord. The scriptures doesn't speak of any hesitation on Abraham's part. How on earth was that possible? He feared the Lord and in that understood His nature. He knew God kept His promises and he was promised Isaac. He knew that all God wanted was his trust and faith. The moment Abraham proved his willingness to give his son's life to God, The Lord provided a way to protect Isaac. One of the main elements of fear is a lack of control and God was asking me to give up control.

"Perfect love casts out all fear." In other words, love and fear cannot co-exist. This was hard for me to comprehend since the reason I was so afraid was because I loved Cannon so much. But I soon realized that loving God enough to trust Him with Cannon would take the fear away.

Nearly 3 years have passed since that time. I look back on it as a very dark time in my life, but I found that His light allowed me to see the truth of who He is. I'm so grateful because I'm in a completely different place now. The more that I seek God, the more find Him, the more I find Him, the more I love Him, the more I love Him, the more I trust Him and fear finds no resting place in me.

The Butterfly

"Where on earth is this place?" I asked my friend as she drove us down the dusty dirty road that led to the location of our start-up churches first women's retreat. I was excited to get to spend the weekend with the new friends I had made at the church and curious about what we would experience.

When we got there it wasn't much like I had expected. The visions of grand old log cabins and hilly, wooded landscapes gave way to the tin shed "dorms" and the flat as a pancake pasture land I'd grown so used to here in this area of Texas. There was a small pond but as the mud-caked dogs excitedly made there way out of it and over to us, it didn't look too appealing either. As I fended them off with my pillow and overnight bag, we were greeted by our hostess who informed us where to put our things. We then went to meet the other ladies who had arrived in the big tin meeting room just across the dirt.

My friend and I had been asked to lead the worship songs for the weekend so I put together our equipment and sat down at the long table with the other ladies as we prepared to eat lunch. Someone had asked about our speaker for the weekend and her name was shared along with a few other inconsequential details. We played some "get-to-know-you" games and took a break before we met again for our evening events.

The sun was starting to set as we made our way back to the meeting room. After a blessing was said over our dinner of homemade fried chicken and mashed potatoes, a tall, heavy set woman came in and joined us. Probably in her late 30's to early 40's, she had a quiet gentleness about her, a warm smile and a kind voice. She was at the other end of the table so I didn't know who she was, but figured she was our speaker.

After dinner we sat down to listen to our special guest. The mood in the room was joyful and lighthearted. A few of the women sitting next to me were a bit restless and had a hard time sitting quietly as our speaker was introduced. She started out by thanking us and expressed her wonder at the goodness of our Lord. She shared about her ministry of serving those with HIV and AIDS and told stories of caring for different individuals by providing them with food, paying for medicines, keeping them company, sharing Jesus and sometimes being the only person with them when they passed from this life to the next.

In my view, AIDS was something most people could avoid by just living a moral life. It was nice to hear her stories and I was glad someone was doing good for those with this disease, but being a person who didn't have much tolerance for those who willfully play with fire, honestly, it wasn't high on my priority list or issues of interest. Apparently by the lack of focus in the room, it wasn't that interesting to a few others in the room either.

But as our guest began to tell the story of how her ministry began , the mood in the room turned. "My husband had just left for work," she recounted "I had just sat down to continue my knitting project when I heard a loud noise coming from a back room. I got up to see what had happened when I found myself face to face with three men standing in front of me. They bound me and took turns raping me. After the attack I went to the hospital and a few weeks later found that the men had AIDS and that I was now HIV positive."

You could hear a pin drop in the room. We all sat in stunned silence as we tried to take in what had just been shared. I didn't really know what to think. I felt like I had been slapped in the face by a heavy hand that woke me up out of a self-righteous slumber.

After the meeting closed, we all went back to our dorm. The evening was planned out with fun events and games. I wasn't really in the mood. I just sat back and watched, haunted by what we had just heard. I knew I had serious soul searching to do.

All my life I had lived with rose-colored glasses firmly attached to my face- bad things didn't happen to good people, especially God's people. I worked hard to shelter myself from even hearing about such things as to not rock my "faith" boat. So let's just say at this point, the glasses had been smashed to pieces and the boat sank like the Titanic!

How could I reconcile the details of this woman's life with what I knew of a just and merciful God? I wrestled with resolving her circumstances in my heart. I couldn't find peace. Fear was starting to creep in as I grappled with questions like if the God that I trust could allow something so horrible to happen to one of His own, then who could I really trust?

The truth became painfully clear - I really didn't trust Him like I thought I did. Otherwise, I would believe Him when He said, "All things turn out for the good of those who love Him"...all things.

When I look back over the Bible, it's full of stories like this. Yes, some people caused their troubles, others did not. The story of Joseph is a classic example. God used the evil brought on him for the good of others. I love the verse where Joseph tearfully relieves his brothers of their guilt: "And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves... because it was to save lives that God sent me here." Gen 45:5 .

This woman could say the same.

The next morning she returned to give us some parting words of encouragement and brought us all hand decorated bags full of small gifts. One of them was a metal butterfly candle holder. She said that butterflies were her favorite reminder of how God makes all things new.

There are some things in life we won't fully understand until we pass into the next one. I can't explain how God makes an ugly, prickly caterpillar into a majestic, delicate butterfly but I know He does. I can't explain how He takes the devastated, broken pieces of a seemingly innocent human life and creates a perfected, polished servant; the kind who is willing to lay it all down because there is nothing left to loose. That was this meek, gentle woman- a beautiful butterfly who changed my life through God changing hers. I still have that butterfly candle holder and will treasure it forever. It's a reminder of exactly that... He does make all things new.

Paved Paradise

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP - no, it's not the obnoxious sound of my alarm clock at 7am, it's the obnoxious sound of a bulldozer backing up at 7am. At this point it might as well back right into my bedroom and take me out - or at least that's how I feel about it at that moment.

When we decided to sell our first house and find another, the one thing I knew I wanted most was to be closer to nature. I would much rather look at something God-made than man-made. So when we bought the house we now live in, we chose it because of the beautiful, private, unobstructed view of nothing but hills and tree - a true rarity in this overly developed part of Texas. It's a ridge that overlooks Corp of Engineers land backing up to a Lake. It's home to several species of wild life. Often at night, we've fallen asleep to the hooting of a white barn owl and been awaken by the loud howling of a pack of coyotes. Many a day I've watched the graceful cranes fly out over the house and settle over in the pond. The big open sky has make for the most magnificent sunsets. It's a restful, peaceful place. Or at least it was.

As the bulldozers continue taking down trees and flattening the land just beyond the Corp land to make more homes, I can't help but feel indignant. Money doesn't grow on trees, I guess that's why they tore them down...so the new home owners can pay a premium for tiny new ones. Soon there will be a long row of homes, stacked together like sardines bordering our view.

So where there once was graceful old trees that had probably been there since the pioneers settled the land, there is now nothing but mountains of mulch. Don't get me wrong, I'm no tree-hugger. I would never have staged a "sit-in" in one of those trees and stayed there until they chop me down with it, but I do have respect for what God took the time and care to create.

I'm the kind that has a hard time throwing out a poinsettia after Christmas. It's not so much that I feel sorry for the plant, it's that I know that the loving hand of the Creator made an investment in that seemingly worthless little display of creativity.

The Bible says that not even a sparrow falls that God doesn't take notice. God called man to use the earth wisely, to take care of it and to respect it, not destroy it. That being said, let me also state that while God probably understands my heart on this matter, it doesn't mean He doesn't want to change it. Yes, while there is value in His creation, He also wants me to see that this is not my home. I shouldn't get too comfortable because I'm just passing through. All this will soon pass way and any fretting done on my part is in vain.

So as I now sit watching the dirt piles being moved around like chess pieces, instead of daydreaming about pelleting the construction trucks with my BB gun, I raise my white flag in a show of solidarity. Besides at my heavenly home, the view will be mind-blowing and there will be no bulldozers...can't wait!

Almost Famous

Lying on the floor in our living room, staring at the black and white images of the 4 Boone sisters on the cover of their LP- I dreamed, even then, of singing my way to fame. I don't remember how old I was, but I couldn't have been much older than 3.

Singing and dancing have been a part of my story since the very beginning and I've got the video footage to prove it. I was that typical kid- singing into the hairbrush in front of the mirror- but I wasn't just playing, in my mind, I was practicing for the real thing. From the Grease Soundtrack in the late seventies, a leopard printed Amy Grant in the eighties, to the discovery of "my style of music" in the Sheryl Crow of the nineties, I don't recall a time where music didn't define the mindset of the moment.

Growning up in a fairly conservative Christian home, made my musical influences somewhat limited for the majority of my young life. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because it caused me to discover the distinctions between the secular and the sacred. Praise and worship music was a constant even when bookended by "Stayin' Alive" or "Billy Jean". I sensed a difference then, I know the difference now- one can, at best, hope to chance my mood, the other can change my life.

This became all too clear a few years back when my life truly came to a personal crossroads. In my mid-twenties, I started to seriously pursue avenues that I thought would lead me to my place in the music industry. I wrote songs, took guitar classes, voice lessons and joined a few bands as a back-up singer. I was loving every minute of it when I was offered a full fledged position as the lead singer for a local secular band. If I were to accept the job, it would mean that I would have all my weekends reserved for shows and I would be very busy with traveling and promotions.

To anyone with a life-long dream like mine, this would seem like a huge opportunity. But instead of being elated, I felt completely deflated- like someone had sucked the life right out of me. I think I had come to realize I was empty. There was nothing life giving or life affirming in what I was doing. I could get out there and sing my heart out to a song and it meant nothing...to me or to anyone listening. I was waisting my breath.

The day came where I had to give the band manager my decision. I was riding in the car with Jason begging him for advice and assurance of what I was supposed to do. I don't remember what I was saying, but mid-sentence I stopped. I stopped because I heard the voice of the Lord saying loud and clear, "I gave you a voice so that you would sing for Me!"

I'm sure that if I could have seen my face at that moment, my eyes would have been opened wide and my mouth wide open. After a few seconds in that shocked state, I said "Oh my gosh! I'm supposed to be a worship leader!" At this point, I'm sure Jason was aware that there was some kind of internal dialog going on which preceded my statement, to which he responded, "Well finally!"

I don't know how long Jason had been telling me that same thing, but I wasn't listening. Singing secular music was "safe" for me. I didn't feel vulnerable, I didn't feel any emotions that I couldn't control, I didn't feel any responsibility for anything. It wasn't until I heard it- straight from the mouth of God- that I was willing to take on what I now see as my life's calling. It's a scary thing to jump out of the boat onto the raging sea of the unknown and keep your eyes firmly focused on Jesus to keep you walking on the water.

I guess it's been about 4 years now since I accepted the "call". I never dreamed back in the days of my childhood that my love of music would have lead me here. It's so much more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Fame has nothing on leading God's people to His feet and worshiping Him with everything that I am...nothing. Once again, I can say that God's plans for my life are far greater than anything I could have possibly envisioned. I think that little girl with the hairbrush would be very proud of the woman holding the mic today.

There is a song that I used to sing as a little girl called "Go Glad". Little did I know how this song would express just want I've expressed here in this post. Link: read lyric to "So Glad".

Christmas Memories

My earliest Christmas memories are pretty blurry. I do remember being fascinated by it all - the sparkle and lights - the colors, vivid and bright; staring at my distorted reflection in the colored glass balls that hung on our tree. I recall touching the lights - feeling the warmth and seeing how my finger tip glowed red.

Santa didn't come to our house, but Mom and Dad made sure we didn't miss him. Mom still made a stocking for me, I guess around the time I was born. Hanging off of it were little felt ornaments accented with sequence. It had my name "Teresa Maria" spelled out in cursive in shiny gold cording. I loved it. Mom and I would sing "Away in a Manger" and I would often crying for little baby Jesus because he had no crib for a bed.

My sister, Jenny and I looked forward to all the Christmas specials on TV. We would sip hot chocolate with loads of marshmallows and cuddle up on the couch together to watch Frosty the Snowman, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Grinch that Stole Christmas and of course Charlie Brown's Christmas. White Christmas with Danny Kay and Bing Crosby was also one of our favorites. Jen and I loved to do the "Sisters" number together.

When we got a bit older, my dad would take us down the street to the tree lot the day after Thanksgiving to hunt for the most beautiful tree would could find. Often we would come home with what mom called a "Charlie Brown Christmas tree", but we still thought is was perfect.

We helped mom decorate the tree while Amy Grant's "A Christmas Album" would spin on the record player. I don't know what crackled more, the fire or the LP. Unwrapping all the ornaments we had collected over the years was like re-discovering lost treasure. We'd search out for the perfect spot to hang each one. A few of them we had made ourselves either at school or church. We carefully draped the shiny silver tinsel over the branches and over each other as the static cling made it stick. When we were done, Jenny and I would lay up under the tree close to the trunk and stare up at it through the branches. We'd lay there for a while, just soaking it all in. The smell was strong and the glow was stunning from that perspective.

I recall spending snow days making Christmas treats for friends and neighbors. Decorating and delivering them was a day long process. Jenny often made intricate gingerbread houses complete with icing icicles and melted blue candy pond. One year we came home and our black lab had gotten a hold of it and ate the whole thing.

Mom and Dad would bundle us up to go for rides around town to see Christmas lights. We sat huddled under blanket and marvel at the displays through the foggy car windows.

The very last Christmas we spent in Tulsa, was also the last Christmas we spent in the house we grew up in. I think it was 1999 and we got snowed in. We were all together and it was the most wonderful Christmas I can remember. I'm so glad I have that memory to hold onto forever.

These days Christmas has taken on a whole new joy. Now that we have children, we are busy creating memories for them to cherish for the rest of their lives. Seeing their excitement takes me back to those early days and rekindles that childlike wonder.

This truly is a special time of year. When else can you hear songs about Jesus coming through the load speakers at the grocery store? That in itself makes it amazing. And while all these other things make the season festive, it doesn't compare to the real glory behind Christmas. Jesus come to earth so that we might be made right with God. When you think about that, it truly is something to celebrate. God with us, in us and for us - as my mother-in-law, Judy, put it so beautifully as we celebrated Christmas Eve tonight with the Lickliters.

As I finish typing this, Christmas day is 8 minutes away. I looked forward to it all year long and it soon will be gone as quickly as it came. The floors will be covered with the tattered, torn discards of Christmas wrap, crumbs from the Christmas cookies will litter the counter tops, embers in the fireplace will burn down low and the warmth of all the memories made will comfort us as we turn out the lights on another Christmas season.