Sore Afraid

Fear - just the word can...well, incite fear. I'm naturally afraid of a lot of things. It's a huge flaw in my DNA, passed down from a long line of fearful people in my family. I'm afraid of heights, sharks, spiders, skyscrapers, tight spaces, public speaking...the list goes on. I've struggled with fear most of my life but it wasn't until I had Cannon that I realize how fear could consume me.

Just after I brought him home from the hospital, my mind became overwrought with disturbing thoughts of what could possibly happen to my child. It seemed like every time I would watch the news I'd hear about helpless little ones falling victim to every kind of cruelty. I couldn't pick up a magazine without coming across a headline that would send me into another downward spiral of helpless hopelessness. Cannon was born just before hurricane Katrina hit. The images of mother's holding their hungry babies, waiting for someone to rescue them didn't help at all. The fear that tormented me over my inability to protect my child was more than I could bare. It was literally painful, it made my heart ache. Satan had launched a full-fledged assault on my faith and he was winning.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom? I had read that portion of scripture several times, but never really grasped it's complex meaning. In the midst of my desperation the Lord reminded me of something that completely changed my perspective. It was the story of Abraham where God asked him to give up the one thing he probably loved most, his son. He was to sacrifice him on an altar in worship before Lord. The scriptures doesn't speak of any hesitation on Abraham's part. How on earth was that possible? He feared the Lord and in that understood His nature. He knew God kept His promises and he was promised Isaac. He knew that all God wanted was his trust and faith. The moment Abraham proved his willingness to give his son's life to God, The Lord provided a way to protect Isaac. One of the main elements of fear is a lack of control and God was asking me to give up control.

"Perfect love casts out all fear." In other words, love and fear cannot co-exist. This was hard for me to comprehend since the reason I was so afraid was because I loved Cannon so much. But I soon realized that loving God enough to trust Him with Cannon would take the fear away.

Nearly 3 years have passed since that time. I look back on it as a very dark time in my life, but I found that His light allowed me to see the truth of who He is. I'm so grateful because I'm in a completely different place now. The more that I seek God, the more find Him, the more I find Him, the more I love Him, the more I love Him, the more I trust Him and fear finds no resting place in me.