The Butterfly

"Where on earth is this place?" I asked my friend as she drove us down the dusty dirty road that led to the location of our start-up churches first women's retreat. I was excited to get to spend the weekend with the new friends I had made at the church and curious about what we would experience.

When we got there it wasn't much like I had expected. The visions of grand old log cabins and hilly, wooded landscapes gave way to the tin shed "dorms" and the flat as a pancake pasture land I'd grown so used to here in this area of Texas. There was a small pond but as the mud-caked dogs excitedly made there way out of it and over to us, it didn't look too appealing either. As I fended them off with my pillow and overnight bag, we were greeted by our hostess who informed us where to put our things. We then went to meet the other ladies who had arrived in the big tin meeting room just across the dirt.

My friend and I had been asked to lead the worship songs for the weekend so I put together our equipment and sat down at the long table with the other ladies as we prepared to eat lunch. Someone had asked about our speaker for the weekend and her name was shared along with a few other inconsequential details. We played some "get-to-know-you" games and took a break before we met again for our evening events.

The sun was starting to set as we made our way back to the meeting room. After a blessing was said over our dinner of homemade fried chicken and mashed potatoes, a tall, heavy set woman came in and joined us. Probably in her late 30's to early 40's, she had a quiet gentleness about her, a warm smile and a kind voice. She was at the other end of the table so I didn't know who she was, but figured she was our speaker.

After dinner we sat down to listen to our special guest. The mood in the room was joyful and lighthearted. A few of the women sitting next to me were a bit restless and had a hard time sitting quietly as our speaker was introduced. She started out by thanking us and expressed her wonder at the goodness of our Lord. She shared about her ministry of serving those with HIV and AIDS and told stories of caring for different individuals by providing them with food, paying for medicines, keeping them company, sharing Jesus and sometimes being the only person with them when they passed from this life to the next.

In my view, AIDS was something most people could avoid by just living a moral life. It was nice to hear her stories and I was glad someone was doing good for those with this disease, but being a person who didn't have much tolerance for those who willfully play with fire, honestly, it wasn't high on my priority list or issues of interest. Apparently by the lack of focus in the room, it wasn't that interesting to a few others in the room either.

But as our guest began to tell the story of how her ministry began , the mood in the room turned. "My husband had just left for work," she recounted "I had just sat down to continue my knitting project when I heard a loud noise coming from a back room. I got up to see what had happened when I found myself face to face with three men standing in front of me. They bound me and took turns raping me. After the attack I went to the hospital and a few weeks later found that the men had AIDS and that I was now HIV positive."

You could hear a pin drop in the room. We all sat in stunned silence as we tried to take in what had just been shared. I didn't really know what to think. I felt like I had been slapped in the face by a heavy hand that woke me up out of a self-righteous slumber.

After the meeting closed, we all went back to our dorm. The evening was planned out with fun events and games. I wasn't really in the mood. I just sat back and watched, haunted by what we had just heard. I knew I had serious soul searching to do.

All my life I had lived with rose-colored glasses firmly attached to my face- bad things didn't happen to good people, especially God's people. I worked hard to shelter myself from even hearing about such things as to not rock my "faith" boat. So let's just say at this point, the glasses had been smashed to pieces and the boat sank like the Titanic!

How could I reconcile the details of this woman's life with what I knew of a just and merciful God? I wrestled with resolving her circumstances in my heart. I couldn't find peace. Fear was starting to creep in as I grappled with questions like if the God that I trust could allow something so horrible to happen to one of His own, then who could I really trust?

The truth became painfully clear - I really didn't trust Him like I thought I did. Otherwise, I would believe Him when He said, "All things turn out for the good of those who love Him"...all things.

When I look back over the Bible, it's full of stories like this. Yes, some people caused their troubles, others did not. The story of Joseph is a classic example. God used the evil brought on him for the good of others. I love the verse where Joseph tearfully relieves his brothers of their guilt: "And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves... because it was to save lives that God sent me here." Gen 45:5 .

This woman could say the same.

The next morning she returned to give us some parting words of encouragement and brought us all hand decorated bags full of small gifts. One of them was a metal butterfly candle holder. She said that butterflies were her favorite reminder of how God makes all things new.

There are some things in life we won't fully understand until we pass into the next one. I can't explain how God makes an ugly, prickly caterpillar into a majestic, delicate butterfly but I know He does. I can't explain how He takes the devastated, broken pieces of a seemingly innocent human life and creates a perfected, polished servant; the kind who is willing to lay it all down because there is nothing left to loose. That was this meek, gentle woman- a beautiful butterfly who changed my life through God changing hers. I still have that butterfly candle holder and will treasure it forever. It's a reminder of exactly that... He does make all things new.